LUEWWD VI: Benefiting Schoolhouse of Wonder
March 24, 2012
Arm Raider
She has searched remote caves throughout the world in search of the mysteries of the ancient arm wrestlers, fighting and defeating countless enemies to gain the secrets of the ancients. Having learned those secrets, she comes here now to do battle. She is, the ARM RAIDER!
Lil Chick and the Left Wingers
Lil’ Chick is a scrappy and high-strung aging hen who started life in a factory farm injected with all sorts of toxic chemicals and hormones resulting in an odd assortment of plumage and poultry appendages. After years of forced egg-laying, Lil with several of her leftist leaning “hen-rades” escaped the factory life and settled in NC. Freed from their bondage, Lil and her entourage can be found scouring the roadsides for discarded paperbacks and wine bottles which after consuming results in all night wrestling frenzies from which Lil has emerged Undefeated.
Lady Lightening and the Storm Chasers
She’s difficult to chase down and hard to miss! Lady Lightening will blow you away in flash. Bolting around from town to town, Lady Lightening and her Storm Chasers have been tormenting the world with their unmatched forces of nature for centuries. Challenge her if you dare, but be prepared to weather the storm!
The Tooth Scary
Scary grew up in the shadow of her sister, the Tooth Fairy. After realizing that she couldn’t compete with her sister’s popularity, Scary enrolled in dental school. However, she was soon expelled due to her aggressive use of vise grips. Scary then joined a gang of disbarred dentists, known as “The Tooth Yankers” and together, they act out their angst by extracting the teeth of the citizens of Durham.
HERcules
HERcules is pissed off that male historians recorded her in mythology as a man, and thinks that ass Hera probably put them up to it. Having defeated lions, boars, hydra, bulls, and man-eating mares, this demi-goddess is ready for a vacation and thought an arm-wrestling tournament sounded relaxing… plus, Hippolyta’s girdle is getting worn out, and she needs a new belt.
Medusa
For centuries Medusa has gotten a bad reputation from her unique talent: turning anyone who dared to stare at her into stone. While that part was true, the whole bit about Perseus beheading her was clearly a lie spawned by the jealous Athena who simply felt insecure around Medusa. Now this smokin’ hot Gorgon is re-writing her own ending and it starts with taking down the ladies of LUEWWD.
Wonder Bread and the Lunch Bunch
Brace yourselves America. This may be hard to swallow. Wonder Bread and the Lunch Bunch are about to bring your greatest fears to life…LUNCH HAS BROKEN OUT OF THE BOX. And, high fructose corn syrup really is a food group. Wonder Bread is packing a powerful punch of essential vitamins and minerals. This FULL LOAF OF FIERCE will toast you and make you eat the heels. Competitors be warned: if you cut off her crust, it’ll only make her mad. If you’re WONDERING how long she can stay fresh, you’ve already made a mistake. With Twinkie the Kid, Little Debbie, Peanut Butter and Jelly by her side, WONDER BREAD NEVER EXPIRES.
LUEWWD V: Benefiting Child S.A.F.E.
October 29th, 2011
Peter Pain
Peter Pain and the lost boyz hail from the hood of Neverland where they don’t take no crap from no one. Tink-the-Tankerbell, a sassy winged nymph, runs, er.. flies with Peter and the boyz. Pete’s already taken a hand off a nasty, trash-talking captain and won’t hesitate to do the same to any challengers – this time, bare-handed! No amount of happy thoughts, sparkle dust, or even scantily clad fairies can save you from the wrath of Peter Pain!
Sassy McKlassy
Nobody knows where Sassy McKlassy came from before she was dropped off at the St. Patrick’s Orphanage for Difficult Girls in Dublin, Ireland, but everyone knew that when they saw her fiery ginger fro coming down the High Street, they had best turn the other way lest they run afoul of her matching fiery temper. By age 12 she had been kicked out of three schools and many more pubs besides. After losing her job at a local whiskey distillery for drinking up the profits she decided to leave the old country, and so, carrying with her a shillelagh as her sole worldly possession, she stowed away on a Russian freighter bound for the United States. On board she honed her already considerable wrestling skills by challenging the stokers and boiler tenders, and by the time she landed, her emerald green eyes were set firmly on winning the LUEWWD 5 title.
Anabelle Lecter
Annabelle Lecter, is the sister of the infamous Hannibal. Even more diabolical than her brother she too, has a taste for human flesh. After evading authorities for years she was captured and charged with multiple murder counts. At her arraignment she broke free of security and disfigured the judge. She was sentenced to life in solitary confinement at San Quentin. Escorted by authorities she is only able to compete tonight wearing a facemask for everyone’s protection.
Senorita Smack-Man
Once of the Parish Convent Hearts Mountains Roses of Guadalupe, Senorita Smack-Man was expelled for spreading her fruits in a violent fashion. After spending a wild but short stint as the reigning luchadora of all the land she found herself bored and in need of a greater challenge. It was then that la Senorita took up the arm wrestling. Quickly, she gained a cult following of local ghoulishly sexy dominatrixes. Now prowling the streets with her raza of dominating ghosts, Senorita Smack-Man and the Fantasmas Fantasticas strike sexy fear in the hearts of all who crosses them.
Inga Foesmasher
Luscious Lioness
Ever since the kingdom of Oz realized the sham of the great Wizard, things have been in shambles. The Luscious Lioness has had to spend the last couple of generations defending her family’s honor after granddaddy Cowardly Lion and brother Languishing Lion, sullied the family name with their timidity and fearfulness. To reclaim the power of her family name, the Luscious Lioness and her Wizard of Od cast-aways traveled to Durham to take on the Ghouls Gone Wild!
LUEWWD IV: Benefiting Girls Rock NC
July 9th 2011
Princess Slaya
After Darth Vader destroyed her home planet of Alderaan, Princess Slaya became bitter with the universe. She has her sights on Earth and is actively seeking to overtake the earthlings and claim the planet as her own. She has vowed to crush any opponent that gets in her way. Disgusted by human society and their insipid thoughts, she has built brain washing robots of superior intelligence to support her on the mission. They look and appear like Snookie to ensure that all of the mindless morons of earth will pay attention and succumb to THE POWER OF PRINCESS SLAYA!
Splint-Her-Face
Breelzabub
Breelzabub was born in the very far north, but was soon banished to the south for causing too much trouble. Legends say she arm wrestled God for control of heaven and won, but preferred the hot south to the cold north. She now tempts the good people of Durham with promises of alcohol, physics and loose women. We all knew the devil would be blond.
The Ringmaster
It was a muggy night in the darkest swamp in the land. There was a wicked moon hanging high in the stars with the sound of a child’s cry riding through the trees on the tail of the wind. A baby sprung up out of the murky water and was taken in by the swamp oysters. They were tough but a musical bunch…She was raised on swamp goo and alligator milk until her teeth were strong enough to bite through snake skin and all the other creatures in the pond…she even ate the oysters. As she grew she learned the ways of the world and longed for a life on the road. So, with no other attributes than brute animalistic strength, she wrestled chimpanzees for cash. Along the way she met a few freakishly interesting, um, people and formed a traveling carnival. The Ringmaster and her debauched crew have traveled all the way from Disney World to unknown lands and have returned to America to battle the champion.
Cat ‘O Nine Tails
Cat ‘O Nine Tails is a yowling, feral stray who settled in Durham after years of prowling the woods. She and her pack have been seen traveling the streets, late at night, looking for some well-meaning animal lover to rough up. Don’t cross this kitty—her claws will come out!!
Sustainable Sue
Sue fell out the back of the truck when she was 7, right in front of the county dump. She sought shelter under a cardboard box and learned to use #5 containers to collect water to drink with the edible garbage. When the garbage trucks crushed her home and cisterns, she went on a crusade. She used every ounce of her body, every INCH of her body, to fight for recycling so other kids could survive in the dump. Now she’s ready to fight YOU with her one good arm!
Little Big Red
Let’s get Little Big Red’s story straight. Grandmother was never sick and there sure as heck wasn’t any chicken soup in the basket Little Big Red was carrying. Little Big Red went over the river and through the woods to KICK SOME ASS. With one toss of her ax, she split a hunter’s gun in half before he could murder the young wolf family living there. The hunter ran off, terrified at the strength of this one little girl. Now, Little Big Red and her Hoodlums take care of anyone who needs her protection…or anyone who challenges her to an arm wrestling contest.
Thin Tizzy
Thin Tizzy’s been chillin’ in Dublin, letting the humidity do it’s thing with her Lynott Fro, wiping the Guinness head from her pencil stache, and practicing her arm-wresting form with the hurling champs of Dublin (the sport and otherwise). Don’t let her small stature fool you. She’s got all the Dublin boys running scared.
LUEWWD III: Benefitting the Dove House, Housing for New Hope
February 19, 2011
Turdley McStinkfinger
The Peacemaker
The Peacemaker is an ethereal being from a groovier time and place. After a bad trip, the Peacemaker came back with a slightly altered mantra…”tune in, turn on, punch out”. The Peacemaker traded in “sex, drugs and rock n’roll” for the cries of the vanquished, the blood of the enemy, and diet Sundrop. The Peacemaker favors natural fibers and hate beads crafted from the teeth of her enemies. That’s not patchouli you smell, it’s FEAR!
Plishia da Black Panther
Plishia da Black Panther was raised in an unknown African jungle, eating only snakes, lions, and dirt. She came to America as a mail order bride only to be lied to and cheated on. Now she’s out to punish all women that are not plus size or who look like the shank who stole her beloved Wilber….the only problem is she’s never actually seen her. Thus she punishes all American looking women just to make sure!!!
Phoenix Rising
Phoenix Rising was blessed upon the Carolina Phoenix Women’s Football team in 2007 where she immediately tackled every person in sight. Soon, opponents realized the only way to stop her force was to break her leg. Unbeknownst to them, Phoenixes don’t die but are reborn angrier. Phoenix Rising rose from the ashes of bone left behind and began arm tackling every person in sight. Unfortunately for you, she is seeking revenge by breaking arms and she is here today to break yours!
Bama Banger
Although she may not have made it to the final round in October, this wrestler is a force to be reckoned with. The crowd has yet to see the crushing, bestial strength of Bama that folks back home shudder to think about. Contestants, this is Bama’s tournament and you’re standing in her way.
Zap
Zap was a wildcard in October and made it all the way to the championship round only to fall to Phoenix Rising. This former Gladiator and international Jazzercising star is back to win that elusive belt.
Paula Bunyan
Paula Bunyan, the illegitimate daughter of Paul Bunyan, spent her time perfecting the art of cutting down trees until she fell in love with an environmentalist who showed her the error of her ways. When that environmentalist ran off to save the whales instead, Paula didn’t know where to channel her rage. Unwilling to return to her lumberjack roots, she instead turned to arm wrestling everything in sight. Babe the Blue Ox now runs crying to his mom whenever he sees Paula approaching. Go ahead and make fun of her plaid – she’s just waiting for an excuse to crush you.
Marry Derm
Mary Derm, an original Durham resident, worked in the tobacco factory for 67 years. When she retired, she pursued her real passion- boxing. But a female boxer was simply unheard of. So she cut her hair short to “pass” and punched out all the local boxers. When those boys realized they were beaten by a LADY, they tried to run her out of town. However, Mary’s love of Durham was too strong to leave. Defiantly, Mary wandered the streets jobless and unable to box. Then one day she stumbled across a poster on a light pole: LUEWWD. And here she is, ready to release a whole lot of built up tension. Wrestlers beware.
LUEWWD II: Benefiting InStepp
October 16, 2010
Monster Cookie
LUEWWD I Champion Monster Cookie is back to defend her title. Those of you lucky enough to see the first event will remember the grueling final round as Cookie and Ze Monsta battled for the belt. Now Ze Monsta is back with a new name, a new face and a helluva sweet tooth. But she’ll have to wait her turn because there’s a line of other LUEWWD wrestlers waiting to get a piece of this:
The Red Menace
Born and raised in the secret passageways of the Great Wall of China, The Red Menace spent her free time arm wrestling dragons for fortune cookies. When she had beaten every dragon in China, she crossed the Pacific in search of more challenging opponents. Other contestants beware: The Red Menace has a black belt in ninja arm wrestling skills and dragon blood running through her veins.
Hardcore Heidi
Born in Chicago, Hardcore Heidi was snatched from her home and whisked off to West Virginia by a band of mountain cannibals. Unwilling to hunt neighbors for food, Heidi got her grub by wrestling bears and gnawing on coal, until she escaped to freedom by swimming through a piranha infested sewage pipe. Rather than therapy, Heidi channeled her rage into the mosh pits of the mid-80s Appalachian punk. Soon, even the hardcore music scene became too tame. Heidi moved to North Carolina to wrestle alligators, sharks, and studly young surfers in the open water leading her swim teammates to dub her Hardcore. In her spare time she likes to solve for X.
Phoenix Rising
Phoenix Rising was blessed upon the Carolina Phoenix Women’s Football team in 2007 where she immediately tackled every person in sight. Soon, opponents realized the only way to stop her force was to break her leg. Unbeknownst to them, Phoenixes don’t die but are reborn angrier. Phoenix Rising rose from the ashes of bone left behind and began arm tackling every person in sight. Unfortunately for you, she is seeking revenge by breaking arms and she is here today to break yours!
Bama Banger
Raised in the southern pines by a herd of whitetail deer, Bama Banger spent her youth shaking hunters from their tree stands. Now she tramps in Eno River State Park, where the whitetail run free. If you listen closely, you can her bellow TOWANDA into the cool North Carolina air, longing for her home state. But roaming the wild has left Bama Banger with a bestial strength that will topple all opponents. Beware.
LUEWWD note: in the above picture Bama is reminiscing about her loss toMonster Cookie in LUEWWD I and imagining the taste of sweet revenge.
Ze Lunch Lady
After completing a rehab program and with a healthy dose of antipsychotics, Ze Monsta is BACK as Ze Lunch Lady, lunchroom superhero! She’s been cleared to serve your kids sloppy joes and serve her fellow contestants a steaming bowl of KICK ASS! In her free time Ze Lunch Lady likes to bench press crates of peach preserves and shot put naughty children. She’s ready to burn some cookies, whip some honey, and fry up some calamari!
Bea Yotch
When she’s not goin’ muddin’ in her Ford Expedition XLT or shootin’ squirrels with her bb gun, she’s hustling the local boys and embarrassing them in front of their girl friends. She’s beaten just about every guy in the trailer park and she has the hash marks tattoos on her right bicep to prove it! She’s ruthless and crude and believes she’ll bulldoze through the LUEWWD lineup and hopes to one day have a shot at taking down monster cookie. Sarah Palin ain’t got sh*t on…
BEA YOTCH!!!!
ZAP
Zap is no stranger to the ring. She worked the American Gladiators Circuit for 8 years before trading in her jousting pole for something more challenging. She has dominated in other events such as freestyle truck pull and set the World Record while competing in the Tri State hay bail jumping championship. She was also the last standing at the International Jazzercise-a-thon, a 32 day event of aerobic dancing. She lives on a steady diet of egg yokes and opponent’s tears.
LUEWWD I: Benefiting the Durham Crisis Response Center
June 2010
Madame de Mort
After being disowned by her father, a feared Russian mafia boss, for refusing to an arranged marriage, Madame de Mort joined a band of gypsies and traveled performing various death-defying acts with Cirque de Demence. Madame de Mort is best known for arm wrestling pythons and her incredible psychic and fortune telling abilities. She arrived in the US five years ago with her band of gypsies and has been looking for a good arm wrestling challenge since python wrestling is illegal in this country.
El Pulpo Feroz
El Pulpo Feroz was born and raised in the small, remote village of San Ramon de Guadalupe east of Cancun, Mexico. She was a kind and gentle soul until the summer of 2000 when some American frat boys on a booze cruise killed her parents and siblings by alcohol poisoning. The jocks flooded their village with rum runners and Miller Lite. Now El Pulpo Feroz is here for revenge. She has nothing to lose, and she is pissed. So, you better not be wearing a pink Polo shirt with a popped collar or Ray-Bans on the back of your head…
The Beastal
The Beastal is a first generation South-East Asian American born and bred in the bandit abundant Pirate Country aka Greenville, NC. She was predestined to roam the rough slums and streets of Mumbai with the rest of her clan residing in her mother-land country of India. Inevitably, the Beast was unleashed when she had no choice but to learn how to take care of business street-style, using the power of her biceps on the arm wrestling table. While caring for so many unsightly arm injuries she decided to become a nurse. She is now a Durham resident whose nursing career has allowed her to mend patients with traumatic injuries to upper extremity muscles after wicked duels. Even though Beastal’s arms are made of pure cold lead, her heart is not. Being a part of the bad ass arm wrestlin’ ladies allows her to enjoy the pleasure of defeating rivals while simultaneously raising funds for an organization such as the DCRC. The importance of instilling strength in women is a goal she reaches for and what better way to do so than through womanly strength and pride. Arm wrestling for such a cause is an empowering and creative means to evoke involvement from local businesses and the community. This event will raise awareness of the importance of organizations such as the DCRC and the Beastal is proud to have a part in such an affair.
Monster Cookie
Monster Cookie is a bit of a local legend. We know that she is a woman of the world who is frequently jet setting to South Africa, Louisiana and her homeland at the heart of Mecklenburg County. It’s not clear how she landed here in Durham but rumor has it that she came in a swirling storm of pink and black crinoline dancing the tarantella on bar tops from Charlotte to Durham. Legend suggests that it’s wise to leave her story a mystery – but other contestants ought to be aware of three things: 1) she is a fierce and fearless competitor; 2)if her words don’t snap you in half, her arm will; and 3)oatmeal cookies are her kryptonite.
Bama Banger
Raised in the southern pines by a herd of whitetail deer, Bama Banger spent her youth shaking hunters from their tree stands. Now she tramps in Eno River State Park, where the whitetail run free. If you listen closely, you can her bellow TOWANDA into the cool North Carolina air, longing for her home state. But roaming the wild has left Bama Banger with a bestial strength that will topple all opponents. Beware.
Honeymuff Homewrecker
Honeymuff is a heartbreaking man stealer who has learned to defend herself from angry wives. She has left a string of broken homes along the Eastern seaboard by winning her men in a showdown on the wrestling table. She admits that’s it more about the love of the game and the smell of the fight than it is about the prize.
Lena the Lewd
Lena the Lewd came to be after a prolonged exposure to lutefisk, homogenized milk, and the movie Fargo. You see, Lena was mysteriously separated at birth from her twin and wound up in the hands of the infamously foul Minnesota State Fair Carnies (the most evil of all Carnie folks,) pushing Hotdish-on-a-stick to the masses of Garrison Keillor lookalikes (so very scary) and their Children of the Corn. After years of being subjected to the conventions of Midwest Nice and its residual effect of stifling of any kind of disorderly demeanors, Lena the Lewd can’t help but now to act out in fits of expletive profanity and brash brute behavior. F’in uff da!
Now the time has come for Lena to confront her obscure origin and sordid upbringing to take on the girl she could have become- The Mountee!
Ze Monsta
Discovered in the foothills of the Carpathian Mountains, she left a wake of destruction wherever she went. Locally known as ‘Ze Monsta,’ she is a triple survivor of rabies, the black plague, and nuclear winter. It took a team of 20 highly skilled trackers to find, subdue and capture her. With one unfortunate exception, she has remained in captivity ever since. Her continued bondage has rendered her more and more feral…. And it’s that time of the month. Ze Monsta is a woman to be feared.
